Hair's What Sets Them a Part

Got a haircut the other day, and the price has jumped another dollar. This is really starting to bug me, too, although I didn't tell the barber that. (Never argue with a guy holding a straight razor, that's my credo.)

I still don't understand why I should pay 100 percent of the price, when I don't have 100 percent of the hair. If you were paying someone to cut your lawn, and your lawn was only half the size of your neighbor's lawn, would you expect to pay the same price as they pay? Of course not.

So, hair was on my mind --- which means, I guess, that those few remaining hairs have deep roots --- when I saw what Harry Shearer (whose name has never been more appropriate) wrote at Talking Points Memo the other day in regard to the departure of CBS Evening News anchor "Gunga" Dan Rather:

I’m amazed that a salient fact about Dan’s last few years escaped notice during last week’s barrage of Rathermania and Ratherphobia. Namely, what other distinguished personage of such lengthy service in the public eye suddenly decides, in the last few years of his career, to change the side of his head on which he parts his hair? That, my friends, is plain weird .... Somehow, Dan decided ... that the twilight of a long life on camera had to be marked with a migratory part. And nobody asked why.

Shearer (who has a terrific radio show heard locally Monday mornings at 12 a.m. on WDUQ) goes on to link to something called the Hair Part Theory. Simply stated, this theory (developed by a man in Syracuse, N.Y.) states that:

A left hair part draws unconscious attention to the left side of the brain, which controls activities traditionally associated with masculinity. A right hair part draws unconscious attention to the right side of the brain, which controls activities traditionally associated with femininity. ...

Only 7 percent of presidents had a definite right part. Only 16 percent of the male governors in office as of last September had a definite right part. Only 13 percent of the male senators and 16.4 percent of representatives in the last session of Congress had right parts.

Parting my hair, admittedly, is like trying to water ski on the Youghiogheny River. It can be done, but there isn't much surface material to work with and there's precious little margin for experimentation. Nevertheless, I've been parting my hair on the right for years now, which could explain my meteoric rise to mediocrity.

So, Dr. Pica Pole, director of the Tube City Online Laboratory (motto: "We can fix it, or we can fix it so no one else can") decided to round up photos of a few local personages of note and see where they part their hair.

Left Part



As you can see, the left part goes across local, state and federal political boundaries, and across ideological lines. Pittsburgh Mayor Tom Murphy, a Democrat (1); U.S. Senator Rick Santorum, a Republican (2); and Governor Ed Rendell (3), a Democrat, all have left parts, and have achieved notable political successes. But the left part is no guarantee of success in an election, as the erstwhile Fox Chapel resident pictured in (4) proved last November. Dr. Pole couldn't find a photo of Mayor James Brewster of Our Fair City, but I met him years ago, and I seem to recall that he parts his hair on the left, too. (Photo credits: City of Pittsburgh, United States Senate, Commonwealth of Pennsylvania, United States Senate.)

Right Part



But wait! A right part is not necessarily harmful to one's career in politics, as photos of former Allegheny County Executive Jim Roddey (5) and current Allegheny County Council President Rich Fitzgerald (6), who represents the Steel Valley, would appear to indicate. As in the first set of photos, the right part is also bi-part-isan; Roddey is a Republican, while Fitzgerald is a Democrat. Also, Dr. Pole disputes the notion that a right part some how emphasizes a man's "feminine side," because anyone calling Steelers Coach Bill Cowher (7) "feminine" would do so at their own peril. I agree. (Photo credits: County of Allegheny and Pittsburgh Steelers.)

No Part



Also, the Hair Part Theory provides no means to evaluate those people who have no discernible part, and yet there is no shortage of local personalities of note who fall into that category. Dr. Pole turned up two prime examples: Current Allegheny County Executive Dan Onorato (8) and ... well, does the fellow on the right (9) need any introduction? (Photo credits: County of Allegheny and Mario Lemieux Foundation.)

Obviously, the Hair Part Theory requires considerably more study, and if there are any foundations who want to make a large cash grant, Dr. Pole will be glad to set the entire vast research and development arm of Tube City Online to work on the problem. (Please, send only small, non-sequential bills, and no worthless checks.)

Unlike Dr. Pole, I didn't need to do any research. I needed to check only one man --- a man who has come to symbolize all that is great and distinctive about science, culture and commerce in Western Pennsylvania to me and to many others.

As you can see, Joe DeNardo (10) parts his hair on the left. Though Dr. Pole's research is not conclusive, that's a pretty strong endorsement of the left part. (Photo credit: WTAE-TV.)

...

Worth Noting in the News: Ann Belser of the Post-Gazette had a nice article for St. Patrick's Day about the long-running "Echoes of Erin" program on WEDO (810). (Belser calls it "White Oak's" WEDO, which is sort of true. WEDO's studios are in White Oak, and the transmitter is in North Versailles, but the station is licensed to Our Fair City. Welcome to the world of FCC deregulation.)

Pat Cloonan of the News reported that $7 million for construction of overpasses into the RIDC industrial parks in Our Fair City and Duquesne has been included in the latest U.S. House surface transportation bill. Currently, access to the parks is restricted by the railroad tracks that separate the McKeesport and Duquesne sites from Lysle Boulevard and Route 837, respectively. It remains to be seen if the bill will pass the Senate.

...

To Do This Weekend: McKeesport Area High School presents "Grease," through Saturday at 7:30 p.m. in the high school auditorium, Eden Park Boulevard. Tickets are $5. ... South Allegheny High School presents "Honk," through Saturday at 7:30 p.m. at the auditorium at the high school, 2743 Washington Blvd., Liberty Borough. Tickets are $7. ... An Easter egg hunt will be held tomorrow morning beginning at 11 at Renzie Park. Call (412) 675-5020.